Quirky Diet Aficionado Gifts

'I just don't understand all the commotion over genetically altered foods, Jack. We've beens serving them, unbeknownst, to our employees in the very commissary for 10 years without a single complaint.'

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

Vegetarian Birds

'Can I have a Banana-Split' without the ice-cream?'

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

"Is it me, or would a dung beetle taste really good right now?"

"Be right with you - just need to call for a tow truck and change today's 'Catch of the Day' to venison."

Early bird special - Grilled Pterodactyl.

Okay... which one of you ordered the holy mackerel?

How is your soup, sir? Speaking for myself, it looks pretty good. I can't speak for the fly, of course.

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

How Wafer-Thin Mints Stay Thin.

Eye of Newt Helper

"Your husband's laryngitis will probably last another wee but your blood pressure is nothing short of miraculous."

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

"Hey, do we have strawberries crushed in cream cheese?"

Spy microchips in Chinese instant noodles

"So I said to myself...who am I to deny this calling?"

Fruits and vegetables

'What kind of idiot orders a triple anchovy pizza with no cheese?'

"The Corned Beef Cappuccino needs work."

"Just eat me, you intolerable pervert."

It's not a tongue depressor, it's a used popsicle stick. If you can name the flavor, your taste buds pass the test.

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

'Darling - look! I've dropped a gene size already.'

Roadkill Cafe...specials every day.

'With the added weight on their chests, donors can give a pint of blood at a time.'

Snacking on yourself causes NO net weight gain!!!

"I'm on the 'half and half' diet. I eat half and my dog eats the other half."

Waiter: 'Your Chicken wings Ma'am.'

A woman looks at the menu posted in the front window of a restaurant; a nearby sign reads "Free gluten".

"It never would have sold as 'mud pie'."

"We'll have the grilled penguin."