Quirky Diet Aficionado T-Shirts

'I just don't understand all the commotion over genetically altered foods, Jack. We've beens serving them, unbeknownst, to our employees in the very commissary for 10 years without a single complaint.'

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

Vegetarian Birds

'Can I have a Banana-Split' without the ice-cream?'

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

Early bird special - Grilled Pterodactyl.

Okay... which one of you ordered the holy mackerel?

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

How Wafer-Thin Mints Stay Thin.

Spy microchips in Chinese instant noodles

"Your husband's laryngitis will probably last another wee but your blood pressure is nothing short of miraculous."

"Hey, do we have strawberries crushed in cream cheese?"

Eye of Newt Helper

"So I said to myself...who am I to deny this calling?"

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

'Darling - look! I've dropped a gene size already.'

Fruits and vegetables

'What kind of idiot orders a triple anchovy pizza with no cheese?'

"The Corned Beef Cappuccino needs work."

Roadkill Cafe...specials every day.

"Odd - you have bad cholesterol, good cholesterol, and some cholesterol that wonders why everyone can't just get along."

Waiter: 'Your Chicken wings Ma'am.'

"It never would have sold as 'mud pie'."

'You order a pizza topped with sunflower seeds and crackers?'

"We'll have the grilled penguin."

"One gluten-free, lactose-free, low carb pizza."

A woman looks at the menu posted in the front window of a restaurant; a nearby sign reads "Free gluten".