Quirky Comedy Gifts

"I could have sworn I had three sausages!"

Why Lemmings Rarely Make Detectives

'I found out what's troubling me!'

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

Gifts for a cloned baby!

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"You left this on our ship."

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

Theatre Masks and Butts

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Introducing...Anagraman.

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

Astral Projection

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

"Fresh pepper?"

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"