Quirky Christians Gifts

Instant Baptisms

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Adam and Eve toast next to a serpent bartender.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Our father who art at www.heaven.com..."

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"Jesus is not here. Let's check the one over..."

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

Minister's File

Pastor wearing sunglasses against the hymns.

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

A virtue of vicars

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

"Is your church up for the 'Best Media Coverage' award?"

Church: 'We reserve the right to refuse salvation to anyone.'

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

"How come there's a forbidden fruit but not a forbidden vegetable?"

Church Open 51 Sundays Per Year, Closed Superbowl Sunday

'Don't worry it's safe, the baptismal is filled with hand sanitizer."

REPENT, 'Hey! -- Go find your own corner!'

"A representative from headquarters to see you, sir."