Queenly Humorist Gifts

Queen Victoria

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"I said slime."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

Glance Exchange

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"You look so beautiful, glistening in the moonlight."

A bird plays the flute to a cat.

"It's just a tree."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'You can't come in here with that.'

'The Lemming Book Store'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"Wait, has thou brought snacks?"

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'