Quality Assurance Aficionado Gifts

Recorded mating call

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

"We're developing a plan to fix this."

"Seriously, do you expect us to believe you put on 143 feet a day in business travel?"

'I'm now going to open the floor to questions.'

"Carpe De Revenue!"

"Well, my IQ is 180--and that's in Centigrade, not Fahrenheit."

'How do you expect the Government to bail you out of your financial crisis if you don't pay your taxes?'

"Office of quality assurance"

'Our only option is to improve quality or hire more lawyers.'

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

'Due to budget cutbacks we are combining our annual employee dinner with The Seven Basic Quality Control Tools Training.'

Satis Factory Tour

'This tuna is being recalled. It contains seahorse.'

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"Hi, I'm Bob Darrel. I'm here to perform the audit of your books. Don't mind the vultures. They follow me everywhere."

'Don't worry. The first 30 years of being an inspector are the hardest.'

"Well TECHNICALLY he might be DEAD, but accordinh to the hospital's new patient satisfaction metrics he's pretty damned pleased about it."

'I've invested my heart and soul in this company. I need a receipt for tax purposes.'

And if you press that one, somebody will come in and tell you what a great job you're doing.

Agricultural Testing Station: 'Over 3 Billion Compounds Tested.'

'First, I want you to get your dependents off my desk.'

Certificate for 98.4% accurasy.

'They're doing their tests now?

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'Apparently it's not enough to say that 'lots of people think we do a jolly good job' anymore.'

"You're being audited. Are you nervous?"

'Sales of durable goods are down. Actually the sales numbers are the same, the goods just aren't as durable as they used to be.'

Audit of Losses

"Now, I wonder whether you'd be kind enough to complete our customer feedback survey?"

"For quality control purposes, this phone call may be recorded and replayed for laughs at various office parties throughout our company."

"Eating the mistakes is a tough job, but somebody has to do it."

Don't be afraid of criticism. Openly ask for feedback so you can improve service.