Punny Punchline Lover Pillows

"I'm watching the fashion show. It's clothes captioned."

"It can't be much of a life working all day, but at least he gets to wear a stripey jersey."

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

Australian Mobile Bar

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

"Extreme? Maybe. But I have the best behaved school in the district."

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

'Boy, that felt good! I can see why the devil has so much fun. And no, I'm not letting you in! But tell him I said hello.'

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Chicken: the one-man show

Husband / Wife / On The Side

Phill Jupitus

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

Signs reads 'Do Not Feed the Boids.'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

'Look, I don't want any funny business.'

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

Cat's Tongue

"I'll have what he's having."

"I'm dating a much younger guy....makes sense, my ex was a cheetah."

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

'I just had to come over...You caught my eye.'

'I heard he was funny.'

'I was set to go on vacation, but I didn't have the right luggage...So I asked Gary Sinise if I could borrow the bags under his eyes.'

'So, Harkness, I see that you have a very checkered background!'

"Do you remember what you had for lunch last Thursday?"