Punchline Lover Pillows

'My job is putting the holes in donuts.'

Chicken: the one-man show

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'And that's Mike...He's on a strict 'need to no' basis.'

'I was set to go on vacation, but I didn't have the right luggage...So I asked Gary Sinise if I could borrow the bags under his eyes.'

'I heard he was funny.'

'Three racists went into a pub...'

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

'It's an impossible crowd tonight.'

Boxer

"Kid, you got a 'While You Were Out' message."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

'I'd steer clear of the rum punch.'

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"Smite him, my son!"

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

Phill Jupitus

Comedy Rule

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'