Punchline Artist Pillows

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Chicken: the one-man show

Comedy Rule

"It's easy to test yourself. Go to sleep at night and if you wake up alive the next morning, you didn't die of Corona overnight."

Phill Jupitus

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

"Your early stuff was funnier."

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been wonderful, you've been the audience - goodnight!"

'You had a lunch date, but I cancelled it because it was your turn to pay.'

"So the vet says, 'If this is my thermometer, then where's my pen?' . . . Get it!? . . . IS this thing on!?"