Punchline Enthusiast Pillows

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

'DO you know what time we start here?'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

"Watch out for his left jab."

"You're lying, Roger. The silence in this video footage proves that you did not kill at the palace of guffaws last night."

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

Job applicant

'Okay, now stop me if you've already heard this one!'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

'You realise,of course,that when I said many happy returns I was talking about your birthday today?'

'Personally, I'd prefer something punchier.'

'Now that's what I call an uppercut.'

"Yes, it's true that I started working as an actor in porn movies, but that's not why my wife left me. She left me because she thought I was becoming a workaholic."

"You're right- things are funnier in threes."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

"Keep it up. His knuckles are getting really sore"

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"Smite him, my son!"

Chicken: the one-man show

Comedy Rule

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'