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'My job is putting the holes in donuts.'

Chicken: the one-man show

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'And that's Mike...He's on a strict 'need to no' basis.'

'I heard he was funny.'

'Three racists went into a pub...'

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

'It's an impossible crowd tonight.'

Boxer

"Kid, you got a 'While You Were Out' message."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

'I'd steer clear of the rum punch.'

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"Smite him, my son!"

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

Comedy Rule

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.