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"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'I'd steer clear of the rum punch.'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"Smite him, my son!"

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

Chicken: the one-man show

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Comedy Rule

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

Phill Jupitus

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

"Your early stuff was funnier."

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."

'You had a lunch date, but I cancelled it because it was your turn to pay.'

'I heard he was funny.'