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"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'I'd steer clear of the rum punch.'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"Smite him, my son!"

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Chicken: the one-man show

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

Comedy Rule

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

"Nurse, can you send in the interpreter for Senora Delgado?"

'You had a lunch date, but I cancelled it because it was your turn to pay.'

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."