Punctual Comedian Gifts

Astronaut plants flag and deflates the moon.

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"While you were out, Mr. Sundberg, the little hand went from the one to the three."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

Time management office worker

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

'I'm on my break, Sam... I'll call you back when I start work.'

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"...They must be poor catchers, there's two men behind the plate."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

"Mind if I read a little?"

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

Canoeing Incorrectly

'Let him go. We'll catch him in the backstretch. Hippos can run faster than humans, but only in short bursts.'

Monet At Open Mic Night

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

'Sorry I'm late. I woke up on my back, and you know how turtles are.'

'You can't come in to play unless you wear cushions on your feet - My Dad's got a headache!'

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

"Maybe you just can't tell a joke."

The Last of the Passenger Pigeons

Funeral for a Cartoonist