Timely Comedian Gifts

"While you were out, Mr. Sundberg, the little hand went from the one to the three."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

Bed Seasons

'Larry liked to crack the window before bed.'

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN! "It was mostly okay, but there's way too much micromanagement!"

'Bless this food we are about to receive, all except the broccoli. Bless the apple pie twice.'

"You kept me awake all night, grinding your gums."

COWMIKAZES

"I tested very high in playing."

'Ha ha ha, it's him again! He always makes me laugh.'

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

Rattlecornsnake

Time management office worker

'Couldn't he just lie at the foot of the bed like other dogs?'

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

Astronaut plants flag and deflates the moon.

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"Read it again, Daddy!"

"I'd know my tinnitus anywhere and this isn't it."

"Mind if I read a little?"

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

Time Travelers from the 21st Century.

War on drugs... war on terror... war on lima beans.

Menage a Paws.

'Let him go. We'll catch him in the backstretch. Hippos can run faster than humans, but only in short bursts.'

'The doctor said I was ready for solids, but not this solid!'

"Perhaps you'd be able to sleep better if you pajamas weren't so loud."

"J'entends le poulet qui arrive!"

"I slept funny!"

'What's your favourite meal?' 'Seconds.'