Punchline Collector Pillows

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

"My wife's cooking doesn't agree with me. Come to think of it, neither does my wife."

"Farmer Ed is looking for the chicken that crossed the road."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"You seem dangerous. I like that."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

"Why so grim, handsome?"

'Do you come here often?'

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"Smite him, my son!"

Chicken: the one-man show

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

'Hello, handsome - is that a Billy Cotton ringtone?'

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

'Did you just hear that? Scientist say we are now an endangered species and mating should be our top priority!'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

'You had me at hell.'

Phill Jupitus

Comedy Rule

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

"Your early stuff was funnier."