Public Speaking Jokester Pillows

It's a little-known fact that young Arthur's first career goal was to become the official motivational speaker for all of England, but he failed miserably in the attempt.

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Broad Minded

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"No matter who I vote for, Tia Carmen always votes for the other guy. That means my candidate gets two votes!"

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

Interrupted Shower.

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

'Tender and Juicy.'

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

'Alan, it's the 11th hole, and that Tiger Woods mask isn't intimidating us...'

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

'I've never seen anyone lip-sync a speech before.'

Junk Mail Shredder.