Voice Jokester Pillows

"I don't like being spoken to in that voice."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'Everybody from Liverpool's a comedian.'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Henry's music career was ruined when a frog jumped into a glass of gin, and then jumped into his tuba where it is now permanently lodged.

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

"I'm very highly strung!"

'I think I see why you're progressing slowly in music.'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'