Voice Jokester Pillows

"I don't like being spoken to in that voice."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'Everybody from Liverpool's a comedian.'

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

That isn't what prove you're not a robot means, Bob.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"Remember, the password is case sensitive."

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

Henry's music career was ruined when a frog jumped into a glass of gin, and then jumped into his tuba where it is now permanently lodged.

'Classical music, huh?...You mean like Elvis?'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

"I'm very highly strung!"

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'I think I see why you're progressing slowly in music.'