Phone Jokester Pillows

'Have I lived here all my life? Not yet!'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Yes, I'm alone."

A crab with a utility knife claw

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"I think you should hire me for my vast software knowledge. . . and then pay for me to go learn software."

'Everybody from Liverpool's a comedian.'

A fisherman reacts as he sees a drone flying over the lake with a fishing line into the water below.

'The problem seems to be in the memory bank.'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

That isn't what prove you're not a robot means, Bob.

'Sir, we're receiving a signal from space. It might be a candidate for possible intelligent alien life!' 'Nice going you ninny, you butt-dialled Earth! Now they're going to know we exist!'

Phoning a Busy Sheep: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please make an animal noise after the bleat!'

"Remember, the password is case sensitive."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Whatcha doing, dad? I'm at work. Logging on. Tree's Tree Nursery.

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Come on, dear...you can't blame everything on Russian hackers."

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

The Screeeen!

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

iPhone Senior

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

'My client should get a shorter sentence since he did use 'Lol'.'

Interrupted Shower.

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'