Phone Comedian Pillows

"Yes, I'm alone."

You know how your phone tells you how many missed calls you've had? Well, you can think of this as one of your misplaced calls. ! !

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

Cold caller.

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

'Dear, when I die, what ever you do, don't donate my body to science.'

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

'Can you do anything else?'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Well it's obvious when we went through mitosis, the brain went to my side!'

"All I said is I'd like a little more attention. I don't need the shenanigans."

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

iPhone Senior

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

'Please hold for an eternity...'

Our Universe: Matter (.0001%), Dark Matter (40%), Spam (60%)

"Operator, get me my hair!"

"I'll have my people call your people."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

No Texting

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

"Hon, what's an allegory?"

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

Motel Check-In. Would you like a wake-up call?

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

A baby escapes from a pram

Ahab's Last Call.