Phone Call Comedians Pillows

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

Policeman on phone to car in front: "Please pull over sir, you're moving your mobile phone illegally."

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

“Someone is not muted. I'm still hearing ambient noise. Please mute your device.”

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

Cold caller.

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

'Thanks to his brilliant conversation techniques, Bob had the shortest calls.'

"Kevin's job as a train announcer seriously affected his love-life..."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Can you do anything else?'

Incontinence Hot Line - 'Please hold.'

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

'Ed's busy, but someone who speaks out of both sides of his mouth will be right with you.'

"Are you talking to me?"

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

Modern animal communication

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

"I'll have my people call your people."

"Operator, get me my hair!"

"Thank you for not taking our customer satisfaction surney at the end this call. Now I can be rude to you with impunity."

Text in a bottle

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

Ahab's Last Call.

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

'I'm on the train.'