Cell Phone Comedian Pillows

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

Dawing your Cellphone

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

Cold caller.

'Dear, when I die, what ever you do, don't donate my body to science.'

'Can you do anything else?'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Well it's obvious when we went through mitosis, the brain went to my side!'

'Please hold for an eternity...'

iPhone Senior

Our Universe: Matter (.0001%), Dark Matter (40%), Spam (60%)

Amoeba mitosis Divorce

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

"I'll have my people call your people."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Operator, get me my hair!"

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

Motel Check-In. Would you like a wake-up call?

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

Ahab's Last Call.

Man trimming beard with cello bow.

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

Do I have a time to take a quick survey?

'This call may be ignored for sanity assurance.'

'I'm on the train.'

Sorry I missed your call – I was on the other line.