Cell Phone Comedian Pillows

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

Dawing your Cellphone

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

'Dear, when I die, what ever you do, don't donate my body to science.'

Cold caller.

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Can you do anything else?'

'Well it's obvious when we went through mitosis, the brain went to my side!'

Our Universe: Matter (.0001%), Dark Matter (40%), Spam (60%)

'Please hold for an eternity...'

Amoeba mitosis Divorce

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

"I'll have my people call your people."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

"Operator, get me my hair!"

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

Ahab's Last Call.

'This call may be ignored for sanity assurance.'

Do I have a time to take a quick survey?

'I'm on the train.'

Man trimming beard with cello bow.

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

'I won't be in to work today... I woke up with a bug.'