Phone Call Humorist Pillows

'Your call is not important to us. You may hang up at any time.'

'Please stay on the line -- Your call is very important to us.... important to us.... important to us.... important to us....'

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

'That's your misfortune, and none of my own, I'm afraid.'

'Your call is very important to us, unless you're an IMPOSTOR.'

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

Cold caller.

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Can you do anything else?'

Incontinence Hot Line - 'Please hold.'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

"This is the New York 'Times' Business Poll again, Mr. Landau. Do you feel better or worse about the economy than you did twenty minutes ago?"

'Please hold for an eternity...'

"I'll have my people call your people."

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Operator, get me my hair!"

'Are you sure that hitting it with a baseball bat will work?'

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

Turkey Hotline

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

'No wonder I'm failing math. I'm just no good with numbers. Even when I dialed the math homework helpline, I got the wrong number.'

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

Ahab's Last Call.

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'