Helpline Humorist Pillows

'Are you sure that hitting it with a baseball bat will work?'

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

'No wonder I'm failing math. I'm just no good with numbers. Even when I dialed the math homework helpline, I got the wrong number.'

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Your estimated wait time is 20 minutes...1 hour and 45 minutes in dog time."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

'Let me through, let me through, I'm a computer geek.'

"I like Casual Dining, but this is too casual. I ordered spaghetti!"

Dummies for Dummies.

"Not more sleeve alterations?!"

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

Cold caller.

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

'Remember Jones, the customer is always right, no matter how stupid and ignorant he may be.'

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'Can you do anything else?'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

"I'd like to leave a wake up call for, . ... OHH ..., April."

"I must be getting on tech-support's nerves, because they now answer by saying, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT NOW?!"

(Visual gag) GIVE YOLK Eggs at a give yolk clinic

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

'Fear not, Madam! I've never lost a case of this kind in this hospital!...

"This is the New York 'Times' Business Poll again, Mr. Landau. Do you feel better or worse about the economy than you did twenty minutes ago?"

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

"Trust me, this place is worth the wait."

"What's this I hear about you opening an account at another bank?"

"The viewers seem to be sated with stupid shows, senseless movies and embarrassing celebs. That's why our black screen has got the best viewing figures!"

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Your prayers may be recorded for quality and training purposes and will be answered by the next available deity."

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

"I'll have my people call your people."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

'Enough, Hank. I'm tired of pulling your finger.'

Turkey Hotline