Phone Menu Humorist Pillows

'And the Princess said, 'Please listen carefully as the menu has changed. Press one if...''

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"Yes, I'm alone."

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

'Anybody who has a life, gets more work.'

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

'Let me through, let me through, I'm a computer geek.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

'What's PPI and how did you get this number?'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"Let me take that for you."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'Point of clarification, sir. Are you still in charge, or have you ceded power to your sock puppet?'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

The team wondered if he would ever fit in.

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

Punkcakes

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."