Phone Menu Humorist Pillows

'And the Princess said, 'Please listen carefully as the menu has changed. Press one if...''

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"Yes, I'm alone."

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Let me through, let me through, I'm a computer geek.'

'Anybody who has a life, gets more work.'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'Point of clarification, sir. Are you still in charge, or have you ceded power to your sock puppet?'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

The team wondered if he would ever fit in.

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

Punkcakes

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."