Menu Humorist Pillows

"The chef informs me that, while the salmon is farm raised, the garnish is indeed feral."

Punkcakes

'Beefsteak tomatoes and mincemeat pie.'

'All dishes without ft...without salt...without sugar.'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'The Burrito King.'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"