Food Service Humorist Pillows

"Hello, my name is Tony. I'm your waiter, and I'll be dining with you tonight."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Lesser known greek gods,

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

Dolphin friendly tuna

'The Burrito King.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

A Club Sandwitch.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"