Food Service Humorist Pillows

"Hello, my name is Tony. I'm your waiter, and I'll be dining with you tonight."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Lesser known greek gods,

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

Dolphin friendly tuna

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

A Club Sandwitch.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'