Menu Humorist T-Shirts

"The chef informs me that, while the salmon is farm raised, the garnish is indeed feral."

Punkcakes

'Beefsteak tomatoes and mincemeat pie.'

'All dishes without ft...without salt...without sugar.'

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'The Burrito King.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

Garlic Free Zone.

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'