Hotline Humorists Pillows

Turkey Hotline

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

'I'll never let my love of fishing come between us.'

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

'Let me through, let me through, I'm a computer geek.'

Bed and Breakfast

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

Cold caller.

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

'Can you do anything else?'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"I must be getting on tech-support's nerves, because they now answer by saying, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT NOW?!"

"This is the New York 'Times' Business Poll again, Mr. Landau. Do you feel better or worse about the economy than you did twenty minutes ago?"

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

"Trust me, this place is worth the wait."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"I'll have my people call your people."

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

"Apparently our hotel is just a stone's throw from the beach..!"

'Are you sure that hitting it with a baseball bat will work?'

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"Please stay on the line for the next available agent - unless, of course, you are feeling tired, very tired, or maybe hungry. . ."

"Okay wait, it just came in. I guess he did text for help."

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

"You're not going to eat me are you? Have you never heard of mad worm disease?"

'He's the touch judge,,,,so I touched him!'

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

Ahab's Last Call.

'No wonder I'm failing math. I'm just no good with numbers. Even when I dialed the math homework helpline, I got the wrong number.'

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

'That's your misfortune, and none of my own, I'm afraid.'