Hotline Humorists Gifts

Turkey Hotline

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

'I'll never let my love of fishing come between us.'

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

'Let me through, let me through, I'm a computer geek.'

Bed and Breakfast

'What's PPI and how did you get this number?'

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

Cold caller.

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

'Can you do anything else?'

"I must be getting on tech-support's nerves, because they now answer by saying, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT NOW?!"

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

"This is the New York 'Times' Business Poll again, Mr. Landau. Do you feel better or worse about the economy than you did twenty minutes ago?"

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

"Trust me, this place is worth the wait."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

"Apparently our hotel is just a stone's throw from the beach..!"

"I'll have my people call your people."

'Are you sure that hitting it with a baseball bat will work?'

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"You're not going to eat me are you? Have you never heard of mad worm disease?"

Motel Check-In. Would you like a wake-up call?

"Please stay on the line for the next available agent - unless, of course, you are feeling tired, very tired, or maybe hungry. . ."

"Okay wait, it just came in. I guess he did text for help."

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

Ahab's Last Call.

'No wonder I'm failing math. I'm just no good with numbers. Even when I dialed the math homework helpline, I got the wrong number.'

'He's the touch judge,,,,so I touched him!'

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

Sorry I missed your call – I was on the other line.