Telephone Humorists Gifts

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

"I'll have my people call your people."

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

Cold caller.

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

'Can you do anything else?'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'I wish to complain about 'Heavy breathing calls'.'

'Please hold for an eternity...'

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

iPhone Senior

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

You are on hold. Press One for Vivaldi...

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

'Are you sure that hitting it with a baseball bat will work?'

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Faked by a snake selling rakes."

Motel Check-In. Would you like a wake-up call?

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

Ahab's Last Call.

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

'No wonder I'm failing math. I'm just no good with numbers. Even when I dialed the math homework helpline, I got the wrong number.'

"Thank you for calling the unemployment office. No one can take your call right now, because we've all been laid off."