Telephone Comedian Gifts

"Press 8 to be put on hold for what seems like forever...press 9 to phone back tomorrow."

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

Cold caller.

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

'Can you do anything else?'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

Incontinence Hot Line - 'Please hold.'

'I wish to complain about 'Heavy breathing calls'.'

'Please hold for an eternity...'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

iPhone Senior

You are on hold. Press One for Vivaldi...

"Operator, get me my hair!"

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

"I'll have my people call your people."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

Motel Check-In. Would you like a wake-up call?

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

Ahab's Last Call.

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

"Thank you for calling the unemployment office. No one can take your call right now, because we've all been laid off."

"You'll have to clarify. Do you want to speak to the head of the household or my dad?"

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"