Phone Comedian Gifts

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

Cold caller.

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

'Dear, when I die, what ever you do, don't donate my body to science.'

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Can you do anything else?'

'Well it's obvious when we went through mitosis, the brain went to my side!'

'Please hold for an eternity...'

"All I said is I'd like a little more attention. I don't need the shenanigans."

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

Our Universe: Matter (.0001%), Dark Matter (40%), Spam (60%)

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

"Operator, get me my hair!"

"I'll have my people call your people."

No Texting

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"Hon, what's an allegory?"

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

A baby escapes from a pram

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

Ahab's Last Call.

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

'Betty? I can't come over; I've got prickly heat rash again.'