Phone Humorists Gifts

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

'What's PPI and how did you get this number?'

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

Cold caller.

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'Can you do anything else?'

'I wish to complain about 'Heavy breathing calls'.'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

iPhone Senior

'Please hold for an eternity...'

'I called Louis XVI and Robespierre answered!'

"This is the New York 'Times' Business Poll again, Mr. Landau. Do you feel better or worse about the economy than you did twenty minutes ago?"

"Hey, Tarzan – no need to yell."

"Le roi s'amuse. Now put your father on the phone."

"I'll have my people call your people."

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

'Are you sure that hitting it with a baseball bat will work?'

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

Turkey Hotline

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

Motel Check-In. Would you like a wake-up call?

'No wonder I'm failing math. I'm just no good with numbers. Even when I dialed the math homework helpline, I got the wrong number.'

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

Ahab's Last Call.

"All right. You can keep it as long as you're on hold, but then you have to turn it in."

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'