Telephone Humor Gifts

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

"How do I get an outside line?"

'Betty? I can't come over; I've got prickly heat rash again.'

"Yes, I'm alone."

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

Call centre musicians

'Can you do anything else?'

'I wish to complain about 'Heavy breathing calls'.'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

iPhone Senior

'Please hold for an eternity...'

You are on hold. Press One for Vivaldi...

'Sorry but my disposable income is tied up in a roast in the oven.'

"I'll have my people call your people."

"Operator, get me my hair!"

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

Motel Check-In. Would you like a wake-up call?

Ahab's Last Call.

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

Lost Dog

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

Sorry I missed your call – I was on the other line.

'He's busy right now but if it's important I'll wake him.'

Do I have a time to take a quick survey?

'This call may be ignored for sanity assurance.'

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

Willie Nelson, hold music.

'If you've got a complaint, please press 1. If we can help you to find something to complain about, please press 2.'

'My Mom was a call girl - and retired after 20 years at the phone company.'

"I'm sorry, you're very faint. Could you pant a bit louder please?"

"You're going to put me on hold? OK, I'm not going anywhere."

"Do you mean to say that we have both been on hold for half an hour?"