Puberty Milestone Gifts

'He's beginning to notice girls.'

'Einstein, the children are getting too complex for me.'

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

'Sire, your new fortress was fine for your nephew's fifth, but I fear it is set for a sterner test.'

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

The Philosopher Pine, or, The Eternal Optimist.

"One year closer to college!"

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

The Teen Years of A Red Delicious.

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

Grand. Baby Grand. Toddler Grand. Teen Grand.

'Oh Darling, you must be so proud: Your first wart!'

Gary turns 40.

'Wow! That's some growth spurt!'

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"Remember, you're only as old as your peel."

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'You know they've reached puberty when they're more interested in Dr. Ruth than Babe Ruth.'

Do you think I'm sixty?

"You're writing a memoir? You're seven years old. Do you honestly think you can capture the interest of readers with such a short—wait, is that my name?!"

An old man exercising with hourglasses

One!

"Careful."

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

'I don't think of my skin as saggy...I think of it as relaxed-fit!'

Old Wine in an Old Bottle

'Gentlemen, a toast to our 4th fishing trip this year. Perhaps, one day, we'll remember to bring poles, in addition to beer.'

'Son, the world is ripe for the taking ... you better stay home with me.'

You know you're getting up there in years when your birthday cake requires that extra box of candles....

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

'How can I get my baby to sleep?'