Pub Comedy Fan Gifts

'Did you spill my pint? Outside now!'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

Bad fake tan day.

Giraffe Umbrella

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

Vlad the Impala

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

A Fairytale Update

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot

Godzillla eating people using telephone poles as chopsticks.

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

'Camping is nature's way of promoting B&Bs.'

Annie, the Reptile version: 'The sun will come out tomorrow! Tomorrow! You will sun yourself tomorrow!'

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"That is an outrageous slur."

"I brought back important data on that blue planet called Earth."

"My homework ate my dog."