Pub Brawler Humorist Pillows

'Oi pal, did you spill my pint?'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"What other tricks does he need?"

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'Whiskey and splash, sir.'

'This isn't Armageddon... it's a bar brawl on a Saturday night. Let Pestilence read the map.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Elroy had an unfortunate knack for picking fights with the wrong people'

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

'Did you or did you not tell me to collect EVERYBODY'S glasses?'

"Harpy Hour."

"Don't mess with that guy. He's a real hardwood."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

'I can lick any man in the house!'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

"Oi, who are you bleedin' looking at?"

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

No shirt, no shoes, no service.

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

Cool bulls.

'That's the last straw, mister.'

"I'm not sure I can really help you. I've dealt with hundreds of rodent infestations, but I've never even heard of Beerkats!"

"Who you calling a candya**?"

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

People talking through a stethoscope.

'Two pints of blonde please.'

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

No glasses to be taken outside.

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."