Bar Brawl Humorist Pillows

'Can I leave early tomorrow to watch England in the World Bowls Championships on TV...'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

"What other tricks does he need?"

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"So who ordered the 'Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum on a dead mans chest'?"

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"She said don't forget the straw."

'Elroy had an unfortunate knack for picking fights with the wrong people'

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

'These drinks have been watered down.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

"If that's the chief medical officer I'm not here."

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

"I couldn't help overhearing what you ladies said about all the chlorine in the toilet water, and I could not agree more."

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

"Let's have some fun, guys -- Let's walk into a bar."

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

'I can lick any man in the house!'

Cool bulls.

'That's the last straw, mister.'

"I'm not sure I can really help you. I've dealt with hundreds of rodent infestations, but I've never even heard of Beerkats!"

'Two pints of blonde please.'

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

People talking through a stethoscope.

"In an effort to conserve water... I've stopped having it in my whisky."

Lawyer-poet-in-residence

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

"...And then I forgot where I put my memory stick!"