Pub Banter Appreciator Pillows

"Now don't be talking about yourself while you're here."

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

"Scientists may need a trillion dollar atom smasher to explore the fundamental questions of the universe, but all you need is one too many."

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

'Did you or did you not tell me to collect EVERYBODY'S glasses?'

"I'm not whining."

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."

"It's Olive isn't it?"

"Let's just agree to disagree." "I suggested that first!"

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

'Yeah, but did you hear the crowd roar when I hooked the cape out of your hands?'

"Stock photo, right?"

'My opinion, right or wrong!'

'Here's the secret to a profitable 99-cent pint night - 14 ounces of foam, 2 ounces of beer.'

'Who was that Chad?' 'Ahh, just an old flame of mine.' Two candles at the bar talking about the flame walking out the door