Bar Banter Lovers Pillows

'An Opus Dei secret operative, eh? - That's the oldest line in the world!'

'While I was in the rat race, my wife ran off with a mouse!'

"To me, baseball is a metaphor for football."

"Your round...."

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"My world is Tribeca, lars, and yours is a different world."

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"Is that neat whisky?"

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"I'm not whining."

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."