Prying Parents Pillows

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

"Guess who figured how to call 911!"

"With the baby-cam, there is no privacy."

'Are you sure the children get plenty of exercise'

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

'...and please God, protect the social security fund for another sixty years.'

'Monster mobiles.'

'This buggy gets only about one mile per gal.'

'Daddy! Are you using the number forty clipper?'

"How did my mom know I went to get ice cream after school? She's either placed a tracking device on me, or she's tracking my phone."

Ask me about Naming Rights.

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

"You BOTH have the asshole gene?"

'He's starting to ask what sushi is.'

"Junior must be in here somewhere."

IT'S 10PM...DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR COMPUTER IS DOING?

'You wake the kids, Mr Macho, and I'll boomba, boomba you.'

Warning: No over-taking in birth canal.

Typically nouveau-riche - they've bought the house next door as their kids' Wendy House!

Missing.

"I know this sounds corny, Bob, but for me, the true measure of success is when I can look at the man in the mirror each day and still find a way to blame my parents for everything wrong in my life!"

'Wait. What's on you shirt?'

"Of course I have eyes on the back of my head, I'm your mother."

'Listen, if you promise not to tell mummy, papa won't tell mummy that he caught you playing truant...Agreed?'

'National hug your mom day!'

"I'm impressed...Baldo stayed up all night studying."

We're very disappointed. We thought the nanny has raised you better than this. Precinct.

"Why feel bad? We do actually need to eat, and they'll never even know there was a twin."

'Alright, son, it's time to hustle you through your childhood.'

"We hate being stuck indoors because of seasonal allergies, so it's a relief when we can blame it on a dangerous fugitive."

"Sweet? I thought you wanted someone with edge."

'I'm worried he might be dyslexic!'

School Lunches and Childhood Obesity.