Pushy Parent Detective Pillows

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

A boy acting suspiciously

$1: Family Secrets

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'Is THIS the way you plan to spend your peak learning years?'

"Where's your nose?"

'It's nice to go hiking together. It gives us a chance to compare notes and figure out what the kids are plotting!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

New dunce caps

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

'A mother complex! Are you sure?'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

"Look. He's just created his first text output object."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'Run around with sharp objects and you'll poke an eye out!'

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."

"I don't get it, Susan... I've been an obstetrician for 20 years and I've never had a baby named after me!"

"What happened to what cat?"

"I'll explain later."

"My dad doesn't nag me enough about going to college."

Boho Bribes

CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST, 'He wants to be a cop!'

"How did my mom know I went to get ice cream after school? She's either placed a tracking device on me, or she's tracking my phone."

'Hello? Animal control?'

'Did you see who pushed you?'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'for the record, it tasted like black licorice.'