Pushy Parent Detective Gifts

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

A boy acting suspiciously

$1: Family Secrets

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'Is THIS the way you plan to spend your peak learning years?'

"Where's your nose?"

'It's nice to go hiking together. It gives us a chance to compare notes and figure out what the kids are plotting!'

New dunce caps

'A mother complex! Are you sure?'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

"Look. He's just created his first text output object."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

'Run around with sharp objects and you'll poke an eye out!'

"What happened to what cat?"

"I don't get it, Susan... I've been an obstetrician for 20 years and I've never had a baby named after me!"

"I'll explain later."

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

"My dad doesn't nag me enough about going to college."

Boho Bribes

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

"Have you seen his sippy skull?"

'Did you see who pushed you?'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Hello? Animal control?'

"How did my mom know I went to get ice cream after school? She's either placed a tracking device on me, or she's tracking my phone."

CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST, 'He wants to be a cop!'