Pushy Parent Gifts

"Look. He's just created his first text output object."

'Is THIS the way you plan to spend your peak learning years?'

My child could be a honor student if he tried harder.

Poker Moms

'Typical new dad: the kid's still a maggot - barely able to squirm - but Dewey's already brought him a regulation size football.'

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

"Where's your nose?"

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

New dunce caps

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

Baby on Board, Mother on Edge.

'Breasts can be so rude. So often they start without me.'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"I'll explain later."

"I don't get it, Susan... I've been an obstetrician for 20 years and I've never had a baby named after me!"

"Sweet dreams, Tim." "Mort Feldstein: Loving father and professional clown."

"Gosh, before you know it they'll be all grown up and making poor decisions that you can't comment on or ever make peace with!"

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

Boho Bribes

"My dad doesn't nag me enough about going to college."

'Hello? Animal control?'

"Have you seen his sippy skull?"

State Prison Child Care

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'I don't like the look of this fish.' 'It had ugly parents.'

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."