Profit Preacher Gifts

'Of course, for me, Christmas has a deeply felt religious significance! The stock exchange is my church...!

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"Black or white, Vicar?"

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, I mean, alpacas? What are they? It’s like Bob Seger mated with a llama."

Night-time halo

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'First the dinosaurs, now this...'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

Thou Shalt Not!

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

Dogma

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

'Now this is my kind of green!'

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Christian and Born again Christian...

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Minister to marrying couple: 'Remember, you're under oath.'