Portfolio Preacher Gifts

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

'In my twenties I spread risk around promiscuously. Now I'm a one portfolio man.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, I mean, alpacas? What are they? It’s like Bob Seger mated with a llama."

"Black or white, Vicar?"

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Night-time halo

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'First the dinosaurs, now this...'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

Thou Shalt Not!

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

Dogma

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

The new boss brought a sense of urgency.

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.