Profit-driven Producer Gifts

"The role is subtly nuanced and the person we choose has to bring a sense of 'lots of money for the producers' to the part."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

'This is a 'placebo' line. It serves no purpose but it makes us feel good.'

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

Cut!

Working in the Hazard Zone!

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

'Dammit - how do we get in on that gross national product?'

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

Let's Celebrate

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

Buster Keaton

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

New music conference

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

Little Red Riding Carpet

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'Now this is my kind of green!'

"I hope we can sell everything before it's time for mom to make dinner."