Commercial Producer Gifts

'I'm a voice over artist.'

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

Cut!

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Applause

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

'He's written some great slogans and some great labels, but he's never written a great coupon.'

Canadian film production

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'

New music conference

Buster Keaton

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

Little Red Riding Carpet