Profile Creator Gifts

'On the internet, nobody knows you're a monkey.'

"Jackie, why does your relationship status read ‘capitulated to’ me?!"

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

'We no longer look at résumés. We go straight to your Facebook page.'

"Ooo... she sounds nice... 'I enjoy burying myself in the sand and sideways walks on the beach.'"

He's very disciplined about his writing, three hours staring at a blank screen every morning and five in the afternoon.

Internet Name Tags.

"Well, I've been struggling to write a book about my struggle to write a book..."

'I know the marketing budget is stretched...but I still think we need professional models!'

"It's about the world's smartest girl, her caring father, her fun-loving great aunt and her annoying, car-obsessed big brother."

'It's creative as hell! Now that you've got that out of your system, give me a campaign that will sell.'

Creative Director skipping through an advertising portfolio.

"But sir, you may think you want underwear, but your internet consumer profile says you want a jet ski."

"My novel? I've put it on hold. I'm writing my response in case I get asked to do on eof those 'How I write' columns..."

'All the characters in my novels are based on real people, for example the fat useless waster in my last one was you!'

Ian McEwan

"Hmm....who's this tall drink of water?"

'Hello! Don't I know you from the internet?'

"It's not enough -- others must follow me on social media."

Advertising Agency - "Phew! Fooling some of the people all the time is hard work."

Your online profile didn't say you were a bottom feeder.

'The internet brings everyone closer.'

"Your Facebook page said nothing about you being a dung beetle!"

'You look exactly like your website.'

"Are you 'Athletic, bronzed male, early thirties seeking buxom, fun-loving younger female'?"

"Instead of creating life, I've decided just to establish an online persona."

"What should I use for our scream name?"

"Would you like some usernames with your passwords, or do you prefer them plain?"

"Can you do any other impressions, apart from; John, your milkman?"

Any suggestions for my online profile? Don't describe your speed dating experience as "hanging out with fast women."

Charles Dickens.

'So the new villain in my book is a-.'

'It seems we've both been a bit imaginative in creating our online profiles.'

'And number five said in his profile that he was 6'2' and he turned out to be 5'7'.'

"This formula was a total flop, but on the bright side, it will make a great password!"