Profile Creator Gifts

'On the internet, nobody knows you're a monkey.'

"Jackie, why does your relationship status read ‘capitulated to’ me?!"

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

'We no longer look at résumés. We go straight to your Facebook page.'

"Ooo... she sounds nice... 'I enjoy burying myself in the sand and sideways walks on the beach.'"

He's very disciplined about his writing, three hours staring at a blank screen every morning and five in the afternoon.

Internet Name Tags.

'It's creative as hell! Now that you've got that out of your system, give me a campaign that will sell.'

"Well, I've been struggling to write a book about my struggle to write a book..."

"It's about the world's smartest girl, her caring father, her fun-loving great aunt and her annoying, car-obsessed big brother."

'I know the marketing budget is stretched...but I still think we need professional models!'

"But sir, you may think you want underwear, but your internet consumer profile says you want a jet ski."

"It's not enough -- others must follow me on social media."

'Hello! Don't I know you from the internet?'

Ian McEwan

'All the characters in my novels are based on real people, for example the fat useless waster in my last one was you!'

"My novel? I've put it on hold. I'm writing my response in case I get asked to do on eof those 'How I write' columns..."

Advertising Agency - "Phew! Fooling some of the people all the time is hard work."

"Are you 'Athletic, bronzed male, early thirties seeking buxom, fun-loving younger female'?"

'You look exactly like your website.'

'The internet brings everyone closer.'

"Instead of creating life, I've decided just to establish an online persona."

'So the new villain in my book is a-.'

"Would you like some usernames with your passwords, or do you prefer them plain?"

Charles Dickens.

"What should I use for our scream name?"

"Can you do any other impressions, apart from; John, your milkman?"

'It seems we've both been a bit imaginative in creating our online profiles.'

"This formula was a total flop, but on the bright side, it will make a great password!"

'So tell me about yourself. Where do you blog?'