Profile Enthusiast Gifts

"But sir, you may think you want underwear, but your internet consumer profile says you want a jet ski."

'I'm the real Kevin. This is the guy who plays me on my Facebook page.'

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

The devil you know and his plus one

Soldier armed with a pen.

Jack Gleeson

''Raining cats and dogs' is just a phrase, Alix.'

"Yes, you were born into the era of passwords and user-names. . . why do you ask, Mycat_2014?"

"Out with the old fish, in with the new."

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

The Devil's in the detail!

Freedom of the press

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

'I think you've put that in the wrong place.'

"I still have my loophole, but I can't drive a truck through it."

"The first rule of miming is you don't talk about miming."

'No, no....You have it all wrong!'

Tom Cruise

Censorship.

"It's this time of day when I feel most lengthened."

'Sounds like it'll flop.'

Pile of books for sale with sign: Expired Fifteen-Minutes-of-Fame Books.

'Look a huge bird!'

Pete never wanted the fame that came with being a national symbol...he just thought it was a good way to meet girls.

Books: Names That Will Make Your Child Hate You!

"Really? 'Yeller'? That's what you want to name him?"

Bad Career Move

"Actually, Sally, my name isn't Mrs. Santa Claus... It's Barb. I'm not defined by my husband."

Please enter "my way" or "the highway." Tough guy GPS.

Dear Sadie, I'm just an aging Baby-Boomer who still believes in America, and sees all the good around me, but I don't understand why we've become so mean. How can I feel good about us again? Signed, Marlemarion. Great question. There's an easy answer as to how you can feel better about the world. Change your name to something normal! I just don't agree with the @#$% premise that we've gotten mean.

His real name is Jasper Underwood Farthington III...but we just call him 'Stinky'.